Weird Lessons Learnt From Hindi Films

Amoeba,Years of evolution, Darwin, Apes and then finally humans. It's been a long and hard journey but instead of savouring it's results there are people hard at work to reverse the process.The movie industry called bollywood is a frontrunner in this race. A proponent of mass scale idiocy it churns out non-brainers and mind numbingly stupid movies (with or without the help of the Bhatt camp) at a very constant rate.  Here's a look at movies which are born when money (excess of it) , the aforesaid stupidity and drugs sleep together and what they teach us about the society.

4. The Golmaal Series

'Golmaal hai bhai sab Golmaal hai', lakshman prasad, Ram prasad, such sweet memories about a comedy on people with and without moustaches, or about the movie Hera Pheri (Sunil shetty and his only funny dialogue:Babu bhaiya gaana sunai diya?)

And  then, in 2006, shit happened

Sooooo Expressive WOW!!!
The worst part is that, though this movie was okayish, it spawned two quasi-sequels (No adding 1,2,3 to the title does not make a good sequel or even a sequel for that matter) and sullied the name of a good comedy film forever.

The Director should have had the decency to apologize to Utpal Dutt sa'ab
Now, bad comedy has been the staple diet for the bollywood audience who brushes aside the humourless jokes and laugh at his own misfortune. But what is bad, really really bad about this overrated series of films is the things that they use as comic devices.

 Art of being vulgar without speaking

Tushar Kapoor is a man who cannot speak, but can swear. Maa, behen, chacha, cactus nothing is safe, nothing escapes this marvel of nature ( the dumb swearer). Leave aside the fact that this movie is intolerably ignorant of the fact that any differently abled person should not be made fun of, or would not like being made fun of, it seems obvious that Mr Rohit Shetty has never met someone with this disability in his life ever.

'Ae On Ae On' Seriously? 'Its in the script!' 'We have a script!?!'
Disabled People are meant to be made fun off

But then, the director does not stop at one speech impediments, in the third movie he ridicules Stammering to such an extent that it provoked an NGO to launch a complaint against it.
At the end of the first movie the heroin marries Tushar Kapoor's character because he cannot speak so he will only listen, at the end of the second movie, Tushar Kapoor marries a girl who cannot hear, so this is an awesome pair! Ha ha ha ha ha, Oh please stop Mr Rohit Shetty, my stomach hurts from the laughter.

3. Kya Yahi Pyaar Hai

Sniffing loudly can be substituted for acting (True for any Amisha Patel movie)

There's a hindi saying, which somehow seems to be 'custom made' for the leading pair of this movie,' Ram milayi jodi,ek andha ek kodi'. A lot cannot be expected from a movie that stars Amisha Patel and Aftab Shivdesani. In fact, Nothing can be expected from such a film, yet, (and this is what often shakes my faith in humanity) there were people willing to put in their money in this endeavor. May be India really is shining, and people can afford to burn money.

This is the CD cover for the film, proving that someone expects this CD to sell
You should support your brother at all costs even if he repeatedly acts as one of the biggest dumbfucks in the world

In the film (and I suspect in real life) Aftab Shivdesani is a complete idiot. He is a die hard metal fan (I presume) and inspired by Ozzy spends better parts of his day(and night) dreaming.In fact, much of the film takes place in his own mind where he is wooing the girl of his choice, and not in the David Fincher variety of events taking place in his mind.

He has an elder brother played by Jackie Shroff sans his beedu look and attitude.

I used to be awesome once! I have papers to prove it!
The hero (in the broad sense of the word) is a college student who spoils four years of his life loving/lusting after a girl who doesnt even know that he exists. Although this can be the story of, 3 out of 4, engineering students who spoil their lives for dem girls but not to the extent of Jack-assery that Shivdesani exerts in proving that he can stoop to.

The girl's father is played by Ashish Vidyarthi, who although acts as kind of an asshole in the film who isnt good to his wife and daughter, he does the sensible thing when he finds out about the loser who is stalking his daughter and beats him up and locks him.

Actually a movie with this scene cannot be all that bad

Jackie Shroff pleads with people and gets his idiot brother released, and asks him to stop his foolishness. But as we know 'pyaar ke aage duniya koi cheez nahi', and aftab continues with his endeavours.

Feminism is overrated( and so are independence, career etc.)

On the other hand the heroine slogs the four years for a gold medal; silly girl. It is only towards the end that her enlightened friend shares her knowledge with her. It is only then that Amisha realizes 'gold medal jaise pati ke saamne gold medal ki koi value nahi' ( Take that feminism).

2. Ek Deewana Tha (and Several other such films)

A film commentator (as his job would have him do) commented once that the pursuit of the girl as shown in countless hindi films borders on sexual harassment. It usually involves stalking the girl and her friends, trying to stop her vehicle every now and then and singing suggestive songs. Case in point :

                                                               Innocent girls!!!

 In the recent forgettable film (which I am told is the remake of a very famous Tamil movie) the hero does exactly the same.

Salwar Kurta = Conservative, western dresses = modern, Bikini = Your place or mine?

The herione is an ORTHODOX  Malyali christian family which,more or less, sums up the story of the movie.

See, Conservative!!

 Two step agenda to 'pataoing' a girl: Stalk and force

 As the movie goes, he follows her around first in the city that she lives in, and then when it is not enough he stalks her all the way to Kerela where she is on a holiday. She repeatedly tells him that she has no feelings whatsoever for him, this on his way back (for some reason the girl too is travelling with him) on the train he applies the Ickenham Method and kisses her. The girl , instead of filing a F.I.R or shouting for help (which might be the logical/natural reaction) succumbs to his love.

It's okay to treat the girl like dirt once she falls for you
And later, at a crucial juncture in the movie, when the girl desperately needs to run away from her home, she calls the hero up who mentions something on the lines of 'I'm busy bitch' and hangs up on her.

The last and the strongest lesson this movie has in store for aspiring directors (And this lesson is used in many films).
A R Rahman is your top billed star if the lead pair are lacklusture

1. Akshay kumar
 Well before he lost his head (and went to China) and way before he found Sajid,there was a time when Akshay kumar did awesome action flicks, which were followed by some awesome comedy movies. And then he did Haan maine bhi pyaar kiya, Jaani dushman:Ek anokhi kahaani,Hatya, Jumbo, Blue,hey babby  etc. etc and the unforgettable Chandni chowk to China.I guess, Its never a good idea to start as a butt kicker to later shift to getting butt kicked.
Now, Akshay has done a plethora of movies fit to make this list. So, I'll be focussing only on the two most important (atleast for me) questions life poses in front of me and how akshay in their simple earthy wisdom answer them.

I'll try to be awesome again!

Q.How to be happy and successful in life?

The movie: Mr. and Mrs. Khiladi.
Akshay is an educated couch potato who in the safe company of his astrologer mama believes that he's destined for a life full of riches.The mama is played by a pudgy Satish kaushik, who does what he is best at; making a fool of himself. The heroes daily routine is guided by the outrageously stupid rules and deadlines set by the aforesaid mama. On the other hand is the spoil and overtly 'bubbly' Heroine played by Juhi chawla. She is cute (I just wanted to say that). She falls for Akshay because .....  Kader khan is a millionare who wears hand-me-down clothes.

Seriously! Millionaire?

As any responsible Indian father should, Kader khan doesn't approve of Akshay ( though I doubt any father around the globe would approve of such a fuck up). So the latter spends the rest of the movie discovering the meaning of hard work and earn 1 lakh rupees. His motivation being the denied 'Suhaagraat' with her dearest wife (Oh world, why doth thou hate love!). But throughout the movie Akshay never does anything that resembles, or tries to resemble (hard) work. Instead he gets the money in an (most probably) illegal fight. Daddy dearest succumbs to the pure and strong love and the couple lives happily ever after. 

Ans.Find a rich spoilt brat ready to marry you (for no apparent reason other than that you are dumb as shit and can occasionally fight a Sumo )

Q. What is the average I.Q of a girl?

As the film has no plot to speak of, I wouldn't bore you with one.It's just Akshay kumar fooling the rest of the cast. The movie stars John abraham as well who is funny at occasions but its mostly unintentional and so we wouldn't blame him at all. At the recieving end of Akshay's antics are three air hostesses .They too are cute (saala mere 5 km ke radius ke baahar har ladki cute hoti hai kya ?!)

Ye is movie mein kyun hai! Hatao ise!

So, in the movie Akshay is dating these three chicks at one time. It goes smoothly till we are 30 minutes away from the climax when, like any other priyadarshan movie, all hell breaks loose. There are missed/rescheduled flights, mix ups and what not, and the three girls end up in the same flat. It is at this opportune moment that they take it upon themselves to prove to the world their might. Akshay and John ( I want to make meaningful movies) Abraham tell series of outrageous lies to the three girls, who wnd up believing all of them. Even when John professes love to one of them she agrees to leave akshay and go with him.

Ladies purse?! Ok, if you say so, it should be the latest trend
Ohh, and  like the director I too almost forgot. The leading lady of the movie is one out of Rimi/Raima/Riya sen ( It's too confusing for my little mind to figure out the sen who worked in the movie). She rules the roost in dumbness quotient as Akshay's fiancee who he never calls, never meets, always ignore and always lies to, but who in the end believing one dialogue of the aforesaid triple timing liar agrees to marry him. so, this leads us to the answer of our question.

Ans (By a girl in Akshay's movie): What is I.Q?


{ The Babe Of Bengal } at: July 25, 2012 at 7:26 AM said...

So true.
So damn true.
So extremely true!

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