Hit Formulas and Cliches of Bollywood

Bollywood is one crazy industry where you are advised not to use your brains (jaise moorkhistaan me akal ka istemal karna qaanoonan zurm hai, waise he phimlistaan me bhi). Our movies have always picked up a few formulas which could never fail, you could rely on them as 'Dadi maa k achook nuskhe'. We are going to talk about those hilarious, who-cares-I-am-what-I-am, evergreen bollywood cliches and superhit formulas -

Twin Brothers and Kumbh ka Mela -

You must have seen plenty of movies with the twin brother thing. One would have a ‘massa’ on his right cheek and the other wouldn’t, and if both of them were the exact photocopies of each other then their smart mother would paint one.

I could never understand why she would take them to the 'Kumbh ka Mela'. She would certainly have no interest in watching Naga Sadhus or showing off in front of thousands of them, so I believe that she went there because she was so sick of the curious duo (Sonu aur Mony, Raju aur Kaju?). And hence, she used to intentionally take them to the Mela and run away saying, “Oh Shit….Good Lord…I lost my babies” and then live happily ever after.

Anyways she knew that she would find them exactly after two hours and she shall either get two Amitabh Bacchans or two Dilip Kumars in the end. Not a bad deal…huh…

Smart Lady!!

Munni bahut beemar hai…ja jaldi se dawai le aa –

Ye munni hoti hi beemar hone k lie thi. Do minute baarhish me kya bheeg li, usko ‘khasra’ hona pakka tha. Now the same smart lady would ask Deepu to get a syrup and injection for her. (Yeah…in bollywood we cure everything with either syrup or with injections – Capsules not allowed and Tablets are not allowed too).

I always wondered why Munni used to get a fever in midnight only and why the doctors were either out of town (if the family in trouble was rich) or they used to roam around like ambulances (for the families who were rich - You just call them and they would reach in a minute).

But poor Deepu would never find a medical store open. And, if he finds one, it would have poison in the bottle, if not, he would get hit by a cycle or a car ….and (sob sob) the bottle would fall…


That crazy last fight sequence –

It would start with a dance sequence. Ye sab sale villain hadd darje k tharki hote the, conical blouse me heroine nachne aai nahi…unka focus khatam. They would never smell a thing until the dance number finishes and the moment it does, bloody moustaches and beards will run out of fevicol.

A hero can never be identified in a beard. Jab heroine nahi pahchaan me aati to hero kya cheej hai…mooch lagane se wo turant ladka ban jati hai.

After the song, there will be one crazy fight like never before. People will start playing ‘Contra’ or ‘Counter Strike’ like nuts but there aim would never be accurate. The revolver never had six bullets, it had unlimited number of bullets and It would only go out of bullet when there was a too desperate need of it.  Our two heroes would kill all of them (with two comedians doing Charlie Chaplin stunts here and there) …. It would be evident and sure that they are going to win….but …suddenly …

A chamber opens …

His mother (smart lady) and his girl friend (another smart lady) are tied in ‘Sholay ka Thaakur’ posture and crying aimlessly. Inko rakkha hi isi lie jata tha…. Ki end me sab kie karae par raayta faila dein. The villain would take an evil laugh and the game would change within a minute.

But he always forgot the most idiotic character of the movie that would come in a lorry or a truck aur sab kuch tahas nahas ho jaega. And again….”Peter apne kutton se kah do ki wo apni apni bandookein
fenk dein”.

Now no one can stop our hero from winning the battle. A person in the background will be infinitely busy making sounds, “bhishum-bhishum-bhishum” till the movie ends.

Bhagwaan k lie mujhe chhod do –

When I was a kid, I always wanted to be bhagwaan – the lucky fellow. He was more powerful than Ranjeet, Prem, Amrish Puri and Pran. The hero’s chic ('another' smart lady) was destined to be enjoyed by the villain (yeah I call it ‘enjoyed’ because it hardly looked like anything else).

It looked more comic than so called porn of Reshma the Desi Girl.  The smart lady always had a Raampuri Chaaku which she never used to kill the villain but to puncture his belly only.

Ek baarish ki raat ki bhool-

"Shit I kissed you....ab main maa ban jaungi ?"
"Oh my holeee jeejus ... mujhe chhuo mat.. main maa ban gai to !!"

In bollywood, if a girl vomits (even if she is 70 years old) she is pregnant. Our hero can never dare enough to hug her tight or kiss her on lips. This was considered to sin. Man! you could have a break up (Chhee tum bade 'wo' ho).

Foreplay not allowed
French kisses not allowed (chheee...you dirty mind)
Men on top - Women on top ? (NO ....NO ALLOW IN CAPS LOCK!!!)

But there was always one crazy night when  they were allowed to make love 'decently' (pavitra paak pyaar)  but here comes 'ek raat ki bhool'. Right from the very next day she will start vomiting and her mother would scream, "Are sunte ho Sudha k baapu...ab hum kahin muh dikhane k qaabil nahi rahe"


"Oh Yeah, we caught You!!  You are under arrest" - 

The only sensible people in the whole flick used to be the Police. They knew exactly when to come, or rather, when not to come. They came only once - right after the last fight sequence - when there was certainly no need of these bunch of idiots. When even A.K.Hangal would have won the battle with the dead zombies of the villains.

"Tumhe chaaron taraf se gher lia gaya hai. Apne aadmiyon se kah do ki wo apni-apni bandookein fenk dein"

(nahi to hamari fat jaegi aur hum log bhaag jaenge??)

I always loved these people. They were happy with their small agenda, one Jeep, one loud speaker, small tamanchas, nicely grown bellies and the ever green game of our childhood - "Chor Police"

Defying the laws of science, nature and gravity - 

Our heroes were outlaws....poor Newton would have died watching our movies. They could fly, somersault against gravity anywhere, kill 2 people with one bullet, catch bullets in their palm and chew it with tobacco.
They could defy death too if their mother would start screaming over their dead body (You can't die without paying 'Doodh ka karz'). 

Remember how she used to slap the dead body of her child ? "Uth Uth ....tu nahi mar sakta..."
(abhi to aadhe ghante ki picture aur baki hai, usme kya tera baap acting karega?)

In 80s we invented flammable jeeps and trucks that could catch fire even if a kid farted somewhere in the town. The moment there was a minor accident the car used to burn like the cruel fire in the hell.


{ nitesh } at: April 15, 2012 at 10:06 AM said...

Angoor is not formulaic. Its infact quite different from the normal "judwa" movies.

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