बालीभुड के राकर जनावर - The Animal Farm

We have had bad characters, bad actors, directors, story writers etc in our long history, but what our nice film industry has never lacked is Animals who have risen to the occasion whenever demanded of them. These good actors (and often good characters) are more memorable than the combined efforts of Deepak Tijori and Aditya Pancholi, and so today (not) being Environment Day, we present an article on our favourite animals of Filmistan.

Kuttey (Main Tera...) -  

Oh Bwoy !! I was touched 

There are two types of Kuttey in Bollywood, ek jinka khoon dhararm paji pi gae, aur doosre jinka khoon unhe pasand nahi aaya. We'll not talk about 276 (more or less) Dharam Paji movies (where they acted as side-side actors, just to get cursed in every alternate line), rather, we shall talk about other notable movies where they acted as notable side actors.

Bollywood has always been obsessed with Pomeranian dogs. I could never understand "WHY"!! I mean, they were good for nothing, this breed is not even shameless and courageous enough to pee over BMW/Mercedes rear-wheels, they only bark and that too in Annu Malik's voice

Anyway, they have been Tinsel Town's favourite. I liked Mr. Tuffy (I didn't know how to spell,no school records were found) in Hum Aapke Hain Kaun. He was an umpire, a playboy in Ray-Bans and the most intelligent trouble-shooter in the entire Joint-Family (or let say Mohalla). The way he sorted Madhuri-Mohnish_Behl-Sentiyaap was brilliant and since then I always wanted to find one such multi talented dog. 

But then I found Moti (Mr. Brownie) when I saw Teri Meherbaniyan (1985) and the poor chap made me cry a lot. I felt so bad (not because Jackie dies, but because Brownie cries like hell) that I did not eat for a day. It was something that could make you a Nihilist and/or an Atheist. (Ehh....Jada ho gaya kya?)

Jokes apart. The movie was wonderful. And another movie to match Moti's performance was the dog's role in Maa (1992), performed by the same legendary Brownie the Dog (Dobby in this movie). After Mamta (Jaya Prada) dies, he takes complete care of her new born kid. he even talks to her ghost, saves the little boy’s life by taking him away from burning in "ultra-violet sun rays" and then rubs Burnols on his body.

(Touched? ...Ladies - "Aww...chho cute")

Kabootar (Atariya pe 'Lotan' wale) - Well, they were everywhere. Jango from 'Roop Ki Rani - Choron Ka Raja' (1993) was my favourite. Though this multi-crore movie, directed by Satish Kaushik was an epic fail but Boney Kapoor (Mr. Producer) ek khate pite ghar se talluq rakhte hain. Jango saved Romeo and Seema in the climax but he could not save poor Satish Kaushik - 

(Seema meri aankhon me dekho...I am scared..Buhuhu...Yes Romeo, I ll see your face only because you have hair everywhere else...Hihihi.....)

Jango must be a boy-pigeon, though I am not sure. But I can bet and I am pretty sure that this kabootar from Sooraj R. Barjatya's Maine Pyar Kia (1989) was a girl. She was also multi talented, she could deliver P-Mails (pigeon mails were launched way before Google mails) and she could convey to the hero that your darling is having an epic orgasm in her room, alone, so you must come and take care of her. 

(Ja meri saheli...ja usko kah de ki main mandir me apna qatil dance step karke uska intazar karungi)

Not to mention that they were everywhere. When there was just one, it was a sign of Love, Cupid, Puberty and Orgy and when they were plenty, they were a sign of chaos. Remember Vidhu Vinod Chopra's award winning film, Parinda (1989)? Movie's most thrilling scene was when Anupam Kher is shot by a handful of hit men and hundreds of pigeons as well as Anil Kapoor (his best friend in the film) are horrified to death. 

Other notable Kabootar movies/sequences are Gutar-Gutar (Dalaal), Masakali (Delhi 6) and Kabootari Bole Kabootar Se (Suraj) many more. For the time being, enjoy this - 

(Lady I know what does 'Kabootar' mean... Manne chhoto na samjhyo...I have read Mastram)

Haathi (Mere Sathi) - Of course the first name which comes to your mind would be Haathi Mere Saathi (1971) which was a children’s favourite in 70s. Kaka (Rajesh Khanna) was the biggest star of that period, and Haathi Mere Saathi made him children’s favourite too (he was already famous with Ladies and ‘Havells Fans).

Orphaned Raju, in this movie, is raised with elephants, performs with them at streets, in order to keep his living. Haathis of this movie had an IQ level of Rajnikant. They could sense that Raju broke up with her wife because of them, so they make a master-plan to handcuff them together for always.

The movie (and this particular sequence) could make you cry as much as Teri Meherbaniyan did -

"Nafrat ki duniya ko chhod ke

Pyar ki duniya mein, khush rehna mere yaar

Is jhooth ki nagri se tod ke Naata ja mere pya,r,
Amar rahe tera pyar Khush rehna mere yaar
Jab jaanwar koi insaan ko maare 
Kehte hain duniya mein wehshi use saare 
Ek jaanwar ki jaan aaj insaano ne li hai, 
Chup kyun hai sansaar

Khush rehna mere yaar"

After this movie, Maa was another film where our loving haathi had a cameo (and our kutta, and our saanpu). Later, Hemant Birje starrer Tarzan had elephants as a part of the narrative but not as the main characters. (But who would watch the movie for the haathi, watch it if you are feeling a little 'itchy') - 

 (Notice the hard on Tarzan gets at 4:44)
India me Rawk kaun laya ? Me (Bappi) Laya

Bandar (Bade Kaam Ka) - Before I say anything, watch this song, and meet the two 'bade kaam k bandars' (Ehhh...Sorry, I somehow counted Chunky Pandey too) - 

I love this song for Bappi Lahri, Mohammad Ajij and of course the Bandar. He could understand whatever Kader Khan or Govinda said. He could also console Kader Khan when he was so frustrated with his kids (who won't be frustrated with Chunky?). It's in fact the monkey who is at the center of attraction here, and it is the simian's tricks that actually help these two losers earn some money.


Hindi films have been kind to monkeys (consider Tushar Kapoor), and thus have allowed them to drive cars (Ishq), give them second-billing along with Dogs, and let them be friends with Prabhu ji (Gunda), however, Monkey movies (not counting Delhi 6) have waned since, if you would ask us, we would say - Less of Tusshar Kapoor and more of Friendly monkeys on screen please.

Baaz (Bollywood- Where Eagles Dare etc) -  Amitabh Bachchan had a great affinity with Eagles. In fact, he has had these fine feathered creatures as his friends in two of his movies, Coolie and Ajooba. Also, in Coolie, the Eagle 'Alla Rakkha' gets a song dedicated entirely to him

And later, when The Big B's epic awesomeness was translated into the short-lived comic book series Supremo, Alla Rakkha followed him there, because he was that damn good

The only Rocker Bird in Bollywood to Be Immortalized Thus

And there is a reason that eagles in bollywood deserve more than faint praise, you see because unlike their mild mannered feathered friends (Read : Kabootars) who hog the limelight but are in fact glorified courier agents, the eagles are bad-ass Side kicks for the hero.


Consider this, you have a major villain that you wish to fight, who would you rather have with you - An Eagle with a mighty beak and kick-ass talons or a pigeon? I mean, what CAN a pigeon do, apart from dropping some shit from the skies? An eagle can enter the fight scene and cause some real damage. 

A Better Side Kick Than Rishi Kapoor Any Day

The regal name of Eagles was sullied when Dino Morea starred in a film called 'Baaz : A Bird in Danger', and since then these fine feathered actors have decided en masse not to grace hindi films anymore, sadly.


Ghoda/Ghodi (Horsing Around in Filmistan) -  There was a time, when every second movie (and every movie starring Vinod Khanna) was centered on the theme of Dacoits, and what our lovely film Industry would like you to believe that all the Beehad ke Baaghi log had huge stables, but how these stables were maintained and how they fed grass to their horses (considering they mostly lived in Rocky Terrain) is a question that is and shall be never answered.


Horses (as extras) feature in too many to count films, whether 'epic' tales, or 'Modern Cow-Boy Inspirations', the equestrian creatures were ubiquitous (even in films where the characters clearly had modern vehicles at their disposals) however, there have been several movies in which the horses have shown as prime members of the star cast, and we shall select two of them to illustrate our point.


Case 1 : Mard
Horse(s) Names : Bahadur and Badal

Every horse should have an awesome name, Like Betaal's was named Toofan, Dara Singh's Horse is Bahadur

Not Pictured but Honourably Mentioned - Badal

There was a time when regulations on the use of animals in films did not rob these gentle creatures of a honest day's pay. The horse(s) (I am not sure if the same Horse played the characters of Bahadur and Badal) perform more stunts than Amitabh Bachchan, have a high level of intelligence, as evidenced by their various acts in the film and in a movie title Mard, look as manly as Amrita Singh. It was a time when Horses could liberally jump over spikes and break through glass doors to enter swimming pools. Sadly, it's all CGI these days.


Case 2 : Sholay
Mare Name : Dhanno


This was a mare made out of fine material, she easily pulled the load of carrying Dharmendra AND Hema Malini (along with the slight weight of Amitabh Bachchan), and she had the additional hassle of having to listen to the constant chatter of Basanti

Dhanno wishes that her Ears and not her Eyes were covered

But she was one valiant girl, not only did she help in Hema ji earn her daily wages, she gave it her all when big moustached Dakus chased her (Chal Dhanno Teri Ijjat Ka Sawaal Hai). It is because of her iconic status in hindi films that all girls with names like Dhanlaxmi, Dhanashree (etc) are lovingly nicknamed Dhanno.


A couple of years back she re-incarnated in Human form and started working in films again, because you know, once an artist always an artist

Pictured : Dhanno Reborn as a human being

Saanp (Motherf*cking Snakes in Motherf*cking Movies) -  Not quite unlike horses, snakes TOO have been part of loads and loads of Bollywood films, possibly because they form such an integral part of our mythology as both Good and Evil beings (But then, more Good than Evil), this is represented in our modern mythos- Movies.


Again, to keep things simple(r), let us consider the two varieties of Mainstream snakes (not counting the hundreds and thousands of snakes who appeared as extras/guests), the Snake that is out to help the Hero and the Ichchadhari Snake, who is generally out for revenge. In fact, let us straight up give you a small (very small) glimpse of Filmistan's tryst with Snakes

And now, consider the case of The Good Snake, a.k.a The Snake in Doodh Ka Karz

One of the most awkward scenes in Cinema history

This was a movie in which a heroic snake shared equal screen space with Jaggu Dada, and his loyalty stemmed from the fact that Aruna Irani (there is no easy way to say this) Fed him with her...er...milk (there, I said it). And because of this act of bestiality, the snake remains indebted for life, helping the hero in qadam qadam, even frowning at him when noticing an Odd romance and making sure that the baddies are outdone by the end of the films.


Then there are the Revenge Snakes (who are invariably Ichchadhaari), they can be subdivided into two types


1. The Hot and Sexy Ichchadhaari Naagin

2. The Fat and Over-the-hill Naagin + The Flop Actor Naag

Please make our movies a hit, please please please

The Revenging Snakes had this distinct advantage of having the Photographs of their Lover's killers, and then with the added advantage of being able to turn into a snake/human at will (although their mirror image showed their true form, and opened up a can of physical impossibilities), our snakes went on with their killing spree.


A couple of decades ago, the Snake movies were meant to help sexual release in the audience with various tharki metaphors and conical blouses. That time may have passed and Motherf*cking snakes in Motherf*cking movies maybe passe, even Samuel Motherf*cking Jackson couldn't make it work with Snakes and Planes, but for an entire era, these Naags provided bread and butter to thousands of people in the film industry.




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P.S. - We found one more Rocker Animal, which was the best of them all, but we had no clue regarding what should we call it ? Check it out for yourself