Kahan gaye Ramsay???

For the post apocalypse generation of the 90s, knowing Gordon Ramsay might be an easier task that recalling who the Indian Ramseys were. Pestering your dad might do the trick and reveal the guilty pleasure hidden deep within his conscience. Before the generation of RGVs spoiled our minds with the lateral humor – you have to be afraid of the strange, you have to be afraid of the unknown, afraid of the silence, afraid of nothingness, afraid of everythingness .. Huh! Bullpoop!! – The holy brotherhood comprising of Tulsi, Shyam, Keshu and Kumar were beating the beast. F.U. Ramsay – not a bad name for a father either!!

So much for the namesake…but the way Ramsays dominated the horror scene in the 80s and the 90s was a state of art for the likes of Stan Ku and Scorsese too. So when most of the production houses in Bollywood were scared to step into the 'horrrrror' genre – and depending upon Jitendra and Mithun Da to keep the cash registers ringing – Ramsays were playing in a league of their own (Meych khel rahe the ki ma……). From 'Do Gaz Zameen ke Neeche' to the only 3D horror film ever in India, Saamri, Ramsays were everywhere.

So at times the horror was an entity that became a substitute for 'sexual release' particularly with the keen eye of Asha Parekh – who herself would strip down in bikini, but wouldn’t let any other 'airi-gairi' chic like Aarti Gupta to skinnydip in the lake near the 'veerani haveli'- and the censor board.

Mere Bhoot Raja, ab to aaja

But the most interesting part about Ramsays movie was the occurrence of some common themes. So on doing an in-depth research and searching our deepest elements of sanity, we can safely outline the basic underlying theme for the Ramsay movies.

The movie will always start in some medieval age with a king ruling the roost with all the ease until a dark worshipper of the devil comes and makes some drastic changes in the stratosphere. But since its medieval ages hence 'all the king's men' will be able to behead the demon or a sage who worships evil – you see the demon wont have any powers in those ages, but when he comes back alive in the 20th century, he will now be equipped with gliders to fly (Thanks MR. Orville and Wilbur Wright), power to disappear by converting his mass into energy (Thanks Mr.Einstein for E=Mc² ) and an affinity for nude chicsters – But the trick lies in not burning the demon but rather burying his head and the body in two separate locations which are dust free and better than the high tech postmortem chambers these days, so that the logic fits when he is re awakened from dead. Preferably the location can be King's palace's basement and the old Temple

     Maharaj ye trishul bhoot ke mundi ke upar rakh dijiye kyunki aaj se                                                                                                                                                          

      150 saal baad aapki grand-grand daughter aake ise aaram se hata paye

Unheard conversation between the Rajpurohit and the King

King: Babaji hum log ye body ko jala kyun nahi rahe hain?

Babaji: Bevkoof, jala doge to ye wapas kaise jinda hoga? wo technology abhi 20th century me bhi nahi hogi jo ki bina body ke bhoot ko wapas bulaye – wo sirf ACP Pradyumn ke paas hogi jiska use to har week karega CID me

King: Accha. to fir hum log kahin remote jagah pe le ja ke body daal dete hain

Babaji: SOB. agar remote jagah pe le jaoge to fir tumhari parpoti picnic manane kaise aayegi, bahut important hai ki wo picnic manaye aur trishul ko hata de time pe. Tujhe ye Gangu aur Shyam ne script pehle nahi samjhayi kya?

King: magar agar bhoot me meri poti ko hi maar diya to?

Babaji: Chutiye, tu kahan se raja ban gaya? aaj tak kabhi tune dekha hai ki maal ladki ko bhoot maar de? Hemant (Birje) hai na, wo bacha lega.

King: Hemant Birje who?...achha chhodiye jahan rakhna hai rakhiye..mai chala madam ke paas..hehehe

Now the camera should run forward by 200 AD (After Demon). the daughter of the last left thakur is an ultra modern woman who doesn’t hesitate to show her assets. Preferably Arti Gupta was destined to do the job. Her entry is to make sure the audience forgets about the by gone demon and everyone has right erections at the right time. She will necessarily take a shower in the hostel bathroom where she will be screaming of fear only to realise it was her boyfriend Hemant Birje, Puneet Issar or Mohnish Behl (as he did in Purana mandir). Peace restored. Period

I hope agli baar mujhe Ramsay ke sath nahi balki Ramesh Sipy ke saath kaam karne ka mauka milega

Enter the cool-hand-luke superhero of our movie, shaking butt to a thumping number by none other than our Bappi da. Its important to drift the plot from horror to sleazy dance number and sex so that when the terror strikes back, its abrupt and sudden

Ladki kaise patai jati hai…doston bhaiyon gaur se suno!!!

So this heroine has a cool kickass biatches wala friend circle . All of them are adventurous, fun-loving, chill-out, make-out wannabes. So one fine day while the heroine is still skinnydipping for no reason at all, and the other crew is sipping upon campa cola, they decide to take their chill-out, make-out sessions to the new level by planning a picnic. And of all the havelis, in all the towns, in all the world, they walk into the old Thakur's. So this little group consisting of the heroine and hery extremely busty friend,the hero, the macho, a nerd looking guy set off for their pre planned deaths. and all this while the famous Ramsay spooky music keeps playing in the background

And hence enter the haveli which is at least 20 miles away from any trace of civilization. Hello Amazonians yo!! And after yelling 'koi hai' for half an hour, a character more scary than the actual protagonist demon comes slowly into picture. The guy carries a lantern and comes across as an old man that survived the tides of times for several years giving complexes to 'The Man from Earth'. He is the sole care taker of this 100 BHK haveli. Enter the woodcutter, the gardener, the cook or any other possible random creature and I mean it, in form of Satish Shah, Jagdeep or Gulshan Grover

                    Amjad didn’t do any justcie to Gabbar, hence cometh the man, Jagdeep himself as Gabbar in Purana Mandir

So this haveli is all spider webbed, full of dust and has some strange artefacts and statues. There are tiger heads all over the walls, a statue of devil inside the main bedroom giving a feel that the old king himself was a devil worshipper secretly. SO this group of people gets very excited about the haunted nature of the haveli and read out a forbidden mantra from a manuscript safely kept for centuries in open for some fools to come across them. This awakens the first half of the devil and some scary evens beging to happen, typically swinging of the main gate of the haveli.

Evil Dead had a different take altogether. They played the tape recorder to awaken the dead. Cant do a thing themselves….

Then they plan to  visit the old temple where the other half of the demon is kept. Despite the Ramu Kaka stopping them and threatening them, these young hep people ignore his warnings and visit the temple. and the first thing you ever do at a temple is remove a trishul kept over a scary looking metal box and read the mantra written ovet the box. I always wonder why would you write the mantra over the box. So now the head of the demon is totally free and the anatomies help the body combine and become one and what comes out is indeed thrilling. Oh No its Mr. Anirudhh Agrawal -  he is professional and understands the psychology and depth of the character very well and will portray the emotions of the bhoot perfectly - Goddamn..boo yaa batman!!!

 Maine bachpan me Gangu Ramsay se 500 rupaiya karj liya tha, uske liye mai aaj tak 

                                              bhugat raha hoon. Isne mera career barbad kar diya bhoot bana bana ke                                                                                                         

And now start the killings. The first person to fall prey is the nerdy guy..Easy target. In Fact most characters in the film don’t even notice/care about his murder as in the next scene itself you can see the other pairs making out and the lead heroine taking bath in the haunted bathtum. And its then when the color of the water changes to red that everyone realises that something has gone wrong. Since there is no electricity so the whole of Haveli is bathed in candle light making everyone's jaws drop in awe about the light each candle generates. Now a few days after the killing everything goes back to normal. Dunno how long a picnic runs but its already been an eternity since these mutants turned up to disturb the sleep pf the 'Nevla'. Yes that’s what Anirudh Agarwal is commonly known as in Ramsay movies. so the busty friend of the heroin now goes to take a bath in the nearby river at around 2 a.m. – nothing unusual there of course Sherlock – and gets killed there itself.

 Hello folks! I am Nevla, the stone form of Anirudh. Dunno why I look like an Owl!!!

Now the hero and the macho man decide to kill the ghost but unexpectedly the ghost is a handful at 6ft 7 and attacks the muscle man coherently. The muscle man sacrifices himself and lets the main couple escape

   Kash is samay mere paas meri Duryodhan wali gada hoti to mai is bhoot ki laila ch@@ deta

Now our cool chica and the hero are on a run, and of all the places they decide to run into a dark deep jungle. The bhoot is already waiting for them there and starts playing around with them. Now enter Rajesh Vivek, our gazetted baba – yeah the same baba who also played cricket as Guran in Lagaan – The baba adives them to use the trishul kept in 'Purana Mandir' to kill the ghost. Since the bhoot is now totally incoherent, he doesn’t understand anything and follows them into the temple where the hero is already equipped with the trishul and some divine intervention by one of the legit Gods.

Yippie ki yay, Mr Anirudh. TIme's up. A Classic finish to Veerana - Must watch for Filmistani Lovers.

And hence using the almighty weapon, the hero finishes the ghost and the movie ends with a kinky joke by Satish Shah with everything on a good note

                            

       Never underestimate the power of Trishul