5 Indian Comic Book Characters That Should Be Adapted to Films

The American film industry already has a thriving 'Comic-book-films' scene, with at least two movies based on comic books being released in the summers from the past many years. Not all such movies are good though

Cases in Point

But there have been many good films of late based on comic books. I have often wondered why India does not have movies based on comic books, we do have a decent comics culture (which is sadly declining), but then there is a huge cult following that would love to watch their favourite characters come to life. Raj Comics tried coming out with a live action Nagraj serial (with disastrous results), executing a good treatment of Nagraj is quite tricky since you need someone of the stature of Industrial Light and Magic to do all the special effects. I have tried to make a list of comic book heroes who have a huge cult following and who would fare off better with a live action treatment.

5. Hawaldar Bahadur

Kutte fail kar doonga

The cartoonist for two of India's best humorous comic books (Bankelal and Hawaldar Bahadur), Bedi Ji, passed away recently. It was his signature style that added to the appeal of buying comics drawn by them. Bankelal has now been taken up by artists who can only do a decent imitation of what Bedi Ji was capable off, but sadly Manoj Comics has gone out of publication, so there are no new Hawaldar bahadur comics.

He was a constable in one of the most inept (yet functional) Police forces in comic book history, and he managed to catch mad scientists, dictators of Banana republics, dacoits, robbers quite easily (often with some supernatural help). His villains had funny names, his comics had funny names, his dialogues veered on the verge of being too vulgar for a comic book, and he managed to make you laugh.

Armed by his pride in being a Policeman (and the perks that come with him) and a sense of self-preservation, Hawaldar Bahadur has no Superhuman powers, but he would translate well to the silver screen.

The Actor who should Play Him

Kya bhaiya...Chakkar kya hai...

Irfan is not known for comic roles, but he is a brilliant actor with a deadpan dialogue delivery. Just imagine him saying 'Abey Hawalaat mein sadaa doonga' and you would get the picture. With a 'sword like' moustache, Irfan would also look perfect for the part. If only someone from the heartland shows up with enough love for the source material, who knows, it would be one awesome film after all.


4. Gamraj

Tragedy King

He was clearly modeled after Stanley Ipkis (and not Mask), and is the lovable loser in the league of Raj Comics heroes. His name literally means Sorrow King or Tragedy King, and that is his one kryptonite. He cannot see anyone being sad. Like Hawaldar Bahadur, he too does not have any supernatural powers of his own, but he is often aided by Yamunda, a magical Buffalo provided by his foster father Yamraj

Also known as Kader Khan

Yamunda is a desi (and better) version of a Transformer, since he can Transform at will in to any vehicle or any thing demanded by the situation. Gamraj's chief side kick is a three feet (approx) tall guy called Shankalu, who has a dozen kids, and to avoid the chaos they would create in his home, he lives with Gamraj.

The story format of this hero is pretty simple, every evil villain in his comics has a back story which can be as sad as he (or she) not being able to drink milk during teenage because of lactose intolerance, and Gamraj listens to all of their sob-tales patiently, before allowing their own stupidity to defeat them or getting Yamunda to head butt them into oblivion.

Why he deserves a movie? He is the hero with the golden heart, one of those so-good-natured-that-they-are-naive kids, whom no one really wants to bother. This explains why Doga allowed him to get the better of him (this is the same Doga who punched Nagraj an infinite number of times just to cool his anger off).

The Actor who should play him

He already owns a yellow t-shirt, and looks pretty much the same. All you need to do is give him one of the comic books, prepare the scene and yell ACTION! The movie will make itself.

3. Super Commando Dhruv

Nagraj is Raj Comics flagship character, but the winner of a Mr Popular contest would undoubtedly be SCD. And it is not without reason, while there are Superheroes who compensate for their inability to sprout snakes from their wrists by using Guns and Science (etc), Dhruv carries only a few blades, some acid capsules and signal flares. He beats the bad guys by using the things around him, including an instance once when his opponent had the intelligence to shift the fight to a desert because of a strict lack of electric poles (one of Dhruv's most useful thingamajigs) fire hydrants, cars or anything else, and Dhruv defeats him using parts from his motorcycle and sand. Freaking Sand.

See! No Guns!

Before Ajay Devgn did his bike stunt, Dhruv had already surfed his motorcycle across a piece of freaking wire between two high rise buildings. He has the brains of Batman and Slade Wilson combined (although for all is intelligence, he hasn't been able to figure out that Chandika and Shweta are the same person), and has defeated the most awesome Side character created by Raj Comics.

This Guy

He has his own commando force, Renu, Peter and Kareem (the Amar Akbar Anthony of the comics world).  He has hot gun-totting chicks (the best kind) falling head over heels for him. He once made a mockery of his entire roster of villains by faking his death and asking them to come forward and prove who murdered him. He can breath underwater because of some (science thing) equipment fitted in his neck.

Also, he can speak to animals. All of them.

Who Should play him?

with Natasha being played by

Prerequisite = Hot

And Rajan Mehra :

Probably owns multiple Police costumes as it is

Chandika

And of course, Grand Master Robo

2. Bankelal

He is not a hero by any stretch of the imagination, he is not even a proper anti-hero. He is this guy who spends all his waking hours (and most of his dreams) in figuring out ways in which to kill his king and take his position. However, due to a curse/boon by Shankar Bhagwan, he is under the spell of 'Kar Bura to Ho Bhala' meaning that no matter how hard he tries to hurt or harm someone, he always ends up benefiting them.

Pure Evil

Bankelal too had the good fortune of having Bedi Ji as the artist and Tarun Kumar Wahi as primary writer, hence the dialogues were replete with Punjabi one liners (people in trouble would say 'Hun appa da ki houn!' and demons about to die would exhale 'Hun appa da kuchh nahi ho sakta' and all characters would exit saying 'Appa chalde hainge') and pop cultural references (when a hunter is killed he dies humming 'Shikar Khud Yahan Shikar Ban Gaya'). All the rishi in the comics have names that tell exactly who or what they are (Rishi Gussacharya, Rishi BinBulayaMehmanaCharya, Rishi Thappadacharya).

The story takes place in an unspecified time period of history, which enables the canvas to have magic, demons, kings, witches, swords, apsaras and even Gods in abundance. Bankelal's adventures always involve employing some evil character or scheme to kill Raja Vikram Singh

Who has a better chance of dying by either choking on his own moustache or from an obesity related disease

but in the end, after around 60 pages of healthy over the top comedy, all Bankelal can do when he sees his schemes falling apart around him is to pretend that he was told by Shankar Bhagwan in his dreams that he should either try and make it look like he was about to kill the king or was about to put the kingdom in harm's way.

Who should play Bankelal?

Just add a small moustache and you  are done

And Vikram Singh already exists outside comic books in this form

1. Doga

Now I know that from the past three years (in fact ever since Dev D released) there have been talks of Anurag Kashyap making a Doga movie, a recent photograph of Manish Gupta meeting the director has again sparked flames of online discussion, however, the pessimist in me says that there were a couple of months in which Kashyap was interested in making a movie about the best Raj Comics Hero, but then for some reasons he has put it in development hell.

Too Awesome for even  AK to attempt

Unlike the other two main heroes of Raj Comics who live in fictional cities called Mahanagar and Rajnagar, Doga lives and operates in Mumbai. It's a city whose ruthlessness he echoes in his actions, he imitates his adoptive city's cruelty in his methods, and he knows what it would take to cure it. Doga would not hesitate in  breaking off the legs of a petty pocketmaar thief, and he reserves his worst punishment for drug smugglers and murderers. 

That's why 'Kaun Bada Jallaad' is not even a question

He proclaims himself that he has no need of performing a root-cause analysis of a problem, he just takes it by the root and pulls it away. He lives by the rule of the gun, and his comics used to address real problems that Mumbai faces (and Bombay faced), be it the plight of the slum dwellers, corrupt construction magnates, drugs, extortion rackets. In fact, he was considered culturally significant enough by writer Gyan Prakash to include a whole chapter on him in his book called Mumbai Fables.

If from this list of 5 I had to chose 1 character on whom a movie should definitely be made, it is Doga.

Who should play Doga?

That's Suraj Right There

Agneepath showed in bits and pieces that Hrithik can play 'cold', but then it had scenes of him breaking down and crying. Besides, Doga would need a heavy voice, apart from that, Hrithik Roshan is the closest you can come to a mainstream actor who can play Doga convincingly.

Also, there is a TV actor by the name of Yuri Suri who would be perfect as Adrakh Chacha

Of all the above, Doga was the closest we came to having our own comic book hero movie (Krishh and G.One had no history, and shall hopefully not have a future). However, I sincerely hope that someone with a genuine love of comic books or a mindset of Christopher Nolan or Peter Jackson picks up the slim volumes (especially those published in the 90s, the golden era for Indian comics) and realizes the story telling potential that they carry.

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4 Govinda Movies That Make You Wonder (Where did it all go wrong)

Govinda has (had?) been around for a long long time, he debuted in five movies almost simultaneously in the mid eighties. He too had his golden period, in fact during much of the nineties his films were supposed to bring sure shot success at the box office. Makes you wonder, when exactly did he start screwing things up to end at the present stage that he is

Actual Age = 49

Govinda had a couple of hit films almost every year, and they were good films at that. A look at his filmography kind of reveals the point where his career started taking a never ending nose dive

Circled : The exact moment of Govinda's downfall

But is Govinda even worth discussing today? I guess he is, because this was an actor who elevated the slapstick form of comedy to worthy commercial art. He wore yellow and purple tuxedos and made them work, he had excellent comic timing, and he fooled the villains before beating them black and blue. I am not saying that all his films were top of the notch, but here is a look at 4 of his films that were so good that it makes you wonder why exactly did he lose steam.

4. Shola aur Shabnam

When he started his career, it was as a Dancer, he can still dance pretty well (despite the layers of flab surrounding him), and most of his early movies were thrillers or action movies or movies which had their whole story in the name itself (Eg : Paap ko Jalaa kar Raakh kar Doonga). Shola or Shabnam (also starring the late Divya Bharti) too was mostly an action movie, but its comic scenes make it memorable. 

This particular poster has very little do with the actual film

Most of the gags in the film arose from the sparring between Govinda and Anupam Kher. The first half of the film was a campus caper, with the mandatory 'Girls Hostel' scene and pranks being pulled on the principal. It was formulaic, but it was a good formula at that time, and it was executed well.

The Principal had the rare distinction of getting his ass kicked by Shakti Kapoor

                                     

Of course no early 90s movie was complete without a song in which the leading lady is dressed in Sports attire.

The second half of the movie had a darker tone with Mohnish Bahl and Gulshan Grover inflicting all sorts of gundagiri on the good guys

Yes, yes I will do it...it's still a few years before I am accepted as a positive character

They manage to malign honest to earth and all around good guy Govinda's name, who in a rare show of filmy wisdom kidnaps the lead actress and runs away

Pictured : Fringe benefits of getting your name maligned 

Even the action scenes in the movie were decent, the climax had an epic scene in which Anupam Kher (no less) flies through the air with a gun in his hand and lays bad guys to waste. Gulshan Grover and Mohnish Bahl did what they were good at, getting beaten up (more on that later) and in true early 90s fashion, with a huge family photograph it was Alls Well That Ends with a Fight Scene


3. Hero No. 1

From a time when Posters were Minimalistic and Awesome

The success of 'No. 1' movies, a series of which Govinda did with David Dhawan, could also be attributed in no small part to the presence of that great actor Kader Khan, who shared great camaraderie with Govinda, often as the lead actresses' father who would be trying to stop Govinda from wooing his daughter. In movies such as these, the actress became immaterial, all the scene were  a game of upmanship between Govinda and Kader Khan, and they never disappointed.

Kader Khan also moonlighted as Yamaraj

However, Hero No. 1 was an exception to this rule. It was one of the few films in which Kader Khan player Govinda's father, and thus had a different kind of comic tussle with him. It was also one of the first films in which (the figure of) Karisma Kapoor had really started becoming something.

Relevance of this pic with article = 0, Hotness = Max

Much of this film was a direct rip-off from another great flick Bawarchi, this perhaps worked as well for the movie, since the source material was so good, it was hard for them to go wrong. I mean, it is hard to come across a bad remake of a good movie

Shit...I take my words back

The movie also had the usual roster of mid 90s actors like Satish Shah, Himani Shivpuri, Anil Dhawan, Rakesh Bedi and Tiku Talsania who probably roamed around en masse for films which only leaded a lead pair and 5 songs if they already had this motley crew.

Also, it gave the world the anthem for eloping lovers

This was  a 'villain-less' flick, hence there were no gun-fights, no cars flying in the air, no evil looking guys, all it had was misunderstandings (etc), if this was not a Govinda film, I would have hated it. Even Paresh Rawal, who at that time was known more for essaying bald bad guys played the role of an aging patriarch. Speaking of Paresh Rawal, brings us to...

2. Bade Miyan Chhote Miyan

Okay, I admit this is not amongst Govinda's greatest works by any stretch of imagination, one of his earlier films (like Ilzam) deserved a place in this list. However, there is a huge reason why this film belongs here, a very tall reason in fact

The Last Movie in which Amitabh Bachchan has no Facial Hair

The only other movie that comes to mind starring El Grande B and Govinda is 'Hum' (which, because of the fact that it starred Thalaivar too warrants a different post on itself), and it is quite possible that Mr Bachchan did this film because he was still searching for a successful comeback post his brief 'retirement' period. This might also be the last movie (not counting Paa) which denies the actor his true age. Govinda, while lacking certainly in the height department, more than made up in matching up to the senior (and better) actor with his impeccable comic timing.

The movie had a simple story about a couple of Policemen who are after a gang of crooks lead by Paresh Rawal who specialize in stealing jewels (or something), there are a couple of actresses for 'song purposes', and then there is Anupam Kher as the much harried boss. The film starts living up to its promise with the arrival of the look-alikes, a pair of crooks who look exactly like the two policemen, and have the best scenes and the best lines in the movie. They also get to dance with Madhuri Dixit, who has a guest appearance

mmmm....guest appearance

The story deals with the usual confusion of identities, of how the crooks use their looks to their advantage and implicate the policemen, and then obviously have a change of heart and help the Policemen in nabbing the villains, but not before this song

When the villain forces them to keep on dancing after the end of the song, Govinda delivers the epic line 'Khud ko Badshah Akbar aur Humko Anarkali Samjha hai kya? Kitna nachaa raha hai!'

It had a rather fitting David Dhawanisque climax in which the two honest Policemen are demoted to Traffic duty and the two crooks are made Inspectors of Police. I wish the real world was like that.

1. Dulhe Raja

This, in my opinion is Govinda's best movie till date. And it is one of those few movies that warrants watching an infinite number of times, until each scene (except for those with the songs) is ingrained deep inside your memory.

Raveena Tandon had very little to do with this film

I have already talked about how the lead actress was bypassed in case there were both Govinda and Kader Khan in a movie, and this movie is the best example of that. Kader Khan played a hotelier whose business suffers because of the opening of a small dhaba next to his place. This dhaba is run by Raja (Govinda) and is frequented by all the guests and the staff (including Johnny Lever) of the hotel. And to add to the rich man (named Singhania generically) troubles, this upstart dhaba owner starts romancing his daughter, thus giving Raveena Tandon something to do.

'Sir, main to sirf Aapke Saath Hoon;

The big shot hotel owner does everything to oust the dhaba owner including Saam Daam Dand Bhed, he gives huge discounts in his restaurant, which Govinda counters by having a 'Pay If You Wish Scheme' at his Dhaba, in the end it all comes down to a flat out one-on-one singing competition, 

Govinda later pleads that he be allowed to marry Raveena since his house is next to the hotel so 'ladki kabhi phudak ke maayke mein, phudak ke sasural mein, phudak ke yahan phudak ke wahan'

My favourite scene though is one in which Kader Khan tries to play the Sentimental card by showing him all the jewels, shoes and clothes etc that his daughter owns and asks Govinda if he would be able to afford all the shauqs that his daughter has. In any other movie this scene would have turned into a moment of 'Soul Searching' for the Hero, who would at that very instant start saving up money for his marriage. But not Govinda, he instead takes a sack of jewels and money and runs off to an income tax office, with Kader Khan giving chase.

There is an inane subplot involving a few villains (including Mohnish Behl, who almost made a living out of getting his ass handed to him by Govinda), and the kidnapping of Raveena (who by this point in the film no one should care about), Govinda steps in, pulls a fast one on the villains and then beats them up.

Right, first I am gonna make you guys fight each other, then I am gonna kick your collective asses

Govinda did three films with Sanjay Dutt too, of which only Haseena Maan Jaayegi was of some merit. There was a time when his name guaranteed decent box office, of late he has been reduced to playing second fiddle. Perhaps the audience has changed, perhaps Govinda did not know when to change, if he had done lesser films then, he might have adapted to the trend like the Khans around him. 

He might be a wreck today, but he created magic once (which is still worth a million laughs) and for that Govinda, I do wonder, where did it all go wrong.

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Kahan gaye Ramsay???

For the post apocalypse generation of the 90s, knowing Gordon Ramsay might be an easier task that recalling who the Indian Ramseys were. Pestering your dad might do the trick and reveal the guilty pleasure hidden deep within his conscience. Before the generation of RGVs spoiled our minds with the lateral humor – you have to be afraid of the strange, you have to be afraid of the unknown, afraid of the silence, afraid of nothingness, afraid of everythingness .. Huh! Bullpoop!! – The holy brotherhood comprising of Tulsi, Shyam, Keshu and Kumar were beating the beast. F.U. Ramsay – not a bad name for a father either!!

So much for the namesake…but the way Ramsays dominated the horror scene in the 80s and the 90s was a state of art for the likes of Stan Ku and Scorsese too. So when most of the production houses in Bollywood were scared to step into the 'horrrrror' genre – and depending upon Jitendra and Mithun Da to keep the cash registers ringing – Ramsays were playing in a league of their own (Meych khel rahe the ki ma……). From 'Do Gaz Zameen ke Neeche' to the only 3D horror film ever in India, Saamri, Ramsays were everywhere.

So at times the horror was an entity that became a substitute for 'sexual release' particularly with the keen eye of Asha Parekh – who herself would strip down in bikini, but wouldn’t let any other 'airi-gairi' chic like Aarti Gupta to skinnydip in the lake near the 'veerani haveli'- and the censor board.

Mere Bhoot Raja, ab to aaja

But the most interesting part about Ramsays movie was the occurrence of some common themes. So on doing an in-depth research and searching our deepest elements of sanity, we can safely outline the basic underlying theme for the Ramsay movies.

The movie will always start in some medieval age with a king ruling the roost with all the ease until a dark worshipper of the devil comes and makes some drastic changes in the stratosphere. But since its medieval ages hence 'all the king's men' will be able to behead the demon or a sage who worships evil – you see the demon wont have any powers in those ages, but when he comes back alive in the 20th century, he will now be equipped with gliders to fly (Thanks MR. Orville and Wilbur Wright), power to disappear by converting his mass into energy (Thanks Mr.Einstein for E=Mc² ) and an affinity for nude chicsters – But the trick lies in not burning the demon but rather burying his head and the body in two separate locations which are dust free and better than the high tech postmortem chambers these days, so that the logic fits when he is re awakened from dead. Preferably the location can be King's palace's basement and the old Temple

     Maharaj ye trishul bhoot ke mundi ke upar rakh dijiye kyunki aaj se                                                                                                                                                          

      150 saal baad aapki grand-grand daughter aake ise aaram se hata paye

Unheard conversation between the Rajpurohit and the King

King: Babaji hum log ye body ko jala kyun nahi rahe hain?

Babaji: Bevkoof, jala doge to ye wapas kaise jinda hoga? wo technology abhi 20th century me bhi nahi hogi jo ki bina body ke bhoot ko wapas bulaye – wo sirf ACP Pradyumn ke paas hogi jiska use to har week karega CID me

King: Accha. to fir hum log kahin remote jagah pe le ja ke body daal dete hain

Babaji: SOB. agar remote jagah pe le jaoge to fir tumhari parpoti picnic manane kaise aayegi, bahut important hai ki wo picnic manaye aur trishul ko hata de time pe. Tujhe ye Gangu aur Shyam ne script pehle nahi samjhayi kya?

King: magar agar bhoot me meri poti ko hi maar diya to?

Babaji: Chutiye, tu kahan se raja ban gaya? aaj tak kabhi tune dekha hai ki maal ladki ko bhoot maar de? Hemant (Birje) hai na, wo bacha lega.

King: Hemant Birje who?...achha chhodiye jahan rakhna hai rakhiye..mai chala madam ke paas..hehehe

Now the camera should run forward by 200 AD (After Demon). the daughter of the last left thakur is an ultra modern woman who doesn’t hesitate to show her assets. Preferably Arti Gupta was destined to do the job. Her entry is to make sure the audience forgets about the by gone demon and everyone has right erections at the right time. She will necessarily take a shower in the hostel bathroom where she will be screaming of fear only to realise it was her boyfriend Hemant Birje, Puneet Issar or Mohnish Behl (as he did in Purana mandir). Peace restored. Period

I hope agli baar mujhe Ramsay ke sath nahi balki Ramesh Sipy ke saath kaam karne ka mauka milega

Enter the cool-hand-luke superhero of our movie, shaking butt to a thumping number by none other than our Bappi da. Its important to drift the plot from horror to sleazy dance number and sex so that when the terror strikes back, its abrupt and sudden

Ladki kaise patai jati hai…doston bhaiyon gaur se suno!!!

So this heroine has a cool kickass biatches wala friend circle . All of them are adventurous, fun-loving, chill-out, make-out wannabes. So one fine day while the heroine is still skinnydipping for no reason at all, and the other crew is sipping upon campa cola, they decide to take their chill-out, make-out sessions to the new level by planning a picnic. And of all the havelis, in all the towns, in all the world, they walk into the old Thakur's. So this little group consisting of the heroine and hery extremely busty friend,the hero, the macho, a nerd looking guy set off for their pre planned deaths. and all this while the famous Ramsay spooky music keeps playing in the background

And hence enter the haveli which is at least 20 miles away from any trace of civilization. Hello Amazonians yo!! And after yelling 'koi hai' for half an hour, a character more scary than the actual protagonist demon comes slowly into picture. The guy carries a lantern and comes across as an old man that survived the tides of times for several years giving complexes to 'The Man from Earth'. He is the sole care taker of this 100 BHK haveli. Enter the woodcutter, the gardener, the cook or any other possible random creature and I mean it, in form of Satish Shah, Jagdeep or Gulshan Grover

                    Amjad didn’t do any justcie to Gabbar, hence cometh the man, Jagdeep himself as Gabbar in Purana Mandir

So this haveli is all spider webbed, full of dust and has some strange artefacts and statues. There are tiger heads all over the walls, a statue of devil inside the main bedroom giving a feel that the old king himself was a devil worshipper secretly. SO this group of people gets very excited about the haunted nature of the haveli and read out a forbidden mantra from a manuscript safely kept for centuries in open for some fools to come across them. This awakens the first half of the devil and some scary evens beging to happen, typically swinging of the main gate of the haveli.

Evil Dead had a different take altogether. They played the tape recorder to awaken the dead. Cant do a thing themselves….

Then they plan to  visit the old temple where the other half of the demon is kept. Despite the Ramu Kaka stopping them and threatening them, these young hep people ignore his warnings and visit the temple. and the first thing you ever do at a temple is remove a trishul kept over a scary looking metal box and read the mantra written ovet the box. I always wonder why would you write the mantra over the box. So now the head of the demon is totally free and the anatomies help the body combine and become one and what comes out is indeed thrilling. Oh No its Mr. Anirudhh Agrawal -  he is professional and understands the psychology and depth of the character very well and will portray the emotions of the bhoot perfectly - Goddamn..boo yaa batman!!!

 Maine bachpan me Gangu Ramsay se 500 rupaiya karj liya tha, uske liye mai aaj tak 

                                              bhugat raha hoon. Isne mera career barbad kar diya bhoot bana bana ke                                                                                                         

And now start the killings. The first person to fall prey is the nerdy guy..Easy target. In Fact most characters in the film don’t even notice/care about his murder as in the next scene itself you can see the other pairs making out and the lead heroine taking bath in the haunted bathtum. And its then when the color of the water changes to red that everyone realises that something has gone wrong. Since there is no electricity so the whole of Haveli is bathed in candle light making everyone's jaws drop in awe about the light each candle generates. Now a few days after the killing everything goes back to normal. Dunno how long a picnic runs but its already been an eternity since these mutants turned up to disturb the sleep pf the 'Nevla'. Yes that’s what Anirudh Agarwal is commonly known as in Ramsay movies. so the busty friend of the heroin now goes to take a bath in the nearby river at around 2 a.m. – nothing unusual there of course Sherlock – and gets killed there itself.

 Hello folks! I am Nevla, the stone form of Anirudh. Dunno why I look like an Owl!!!

Now the hero and the macho man decide to kill the ghost but unexpectedly the ghost is a handful at 6ft 7 and attacks the muscle man coherently. The muscle man sacrifices himself and lets the main couple escape

   Kash is samay mere paas meri Duryodhan wali gada hoti to mai is bhoot ki laila ch@@ deta

Now our cool chica and the hero are on a run, and of all the places they decide to run into a dark deep jungle. The bhoot is already waiting for them there and starts playing around with them. Now enter Rajesh Vivek, our gazetted baba – yeah the same baba who also played cricket as Guran in Lagaan – The baba adives them to use the trishul kept in 'Purana Mandir' to kill the ghost. Since the bhoot is now totally incoherent, he doesn’t understand anything and follows them into the temple where the hero is already equipped with the trishul and some divine intervention by one of the legit Gods.

Yippie ki yay, Mr Anirudh. TIme's up. A Classic finish to Veerana - Must watch for Filmistani Lovers.

And hence using the almighty weapon, the hero finishes the ghost and the movie ends with a kinky joke by Satish Shah with everything on a good note

                            

       Never underestimate the power of Trishul

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Hit Formulas and Cliches of Bollywood

Bollywood is one crazy industry where you are advised not to use your brains (jaise moorkhistaan me akal ka istemal karna qaanoonan zurm hai, waise he phimlistaan me bhi). Our movies have always picked up a few formulas which could never fail, you could rely on them as 'Dadi maa k achook nuskhe'. We are going to talk about those hilarious, who-cares-I-am-what-I-am, evergreen bollywood cliches and superhit formulas -


Twin Brothers and Kumbh ka Mela -

You must have seen plenty of movies with the twin brother thing. One would have a ‘massa’ on his right cheek and the other wouldn’t, and if both of them were the exact photocopies of each other then their smart mother would paint one.

I could never understand why she would take them to the 'Kumbh ka Mela'. She would certainly have no interest in watching Naga Sadhus or showing off in front of thousands of them, so I believe that she went there because she was so sick of the curious duo (Sonu aur Mony, Raju aur Kaju?). And hence, she used to intentionally take them to the Mela and run away saying, “Oh Shit….Good Lord…I lost my babies” and then live happily ever after.

Anyways she knew that she would find them exactly after two hours and she shall either get two Amitabh Bacchans or two Dilip Kumars in the end. Not a bad deal…huh…


Smart Lady!!

Munni bahut beemar hai…ja jaldi se dawai le aa –

Ye munni hoti hi beemar hone k lie thi. Do minute baarhish me kya bheeg li, usko ‘khasra’ hona pakka tha. Now the same smart lady would ask Deepu to get a syrup and injection for her. (Yeah…in bollywood we cure everything with either syrup or with injections – Capsules not allowed and Tablets are not allowed too).

I always wondered why Munni used to get a fever in midnight only and why the doctors were either out of town (if the family in trouble was rich) or they used to roam around like ambulances (for the families who were rich - You just call them and they would reach in a minute).

But poor Deepu would never find a medical store open. And, if he finds one, it would have poison in the bottle, if not, he would get hit by a cycle or a car ….and (sob sob) the bottle would fall…

chhanaakk……



That crazy last fight sequence –

It would start with a dance sequence. Ye sab sale villain hadd darje k tharki hote the, conical blouse me heroine nachne aai nahi…unka focus khatam. They would never smell a thing until the dance number finishes and the moment it does, bloody moustaches and beards will run out of fevicol.

A hero can never be identified in a beard. Jab heroine nahi pahchaan me aati to hero kya cheej hai…mooch lagane se wo turant ladka ban jati hai.

After the song, there will be one crazy fight like never before. People will start playing ‘Contra’ or ‘Counter Strike’ like nuts but there aim would never be accurate. The revolver never had six bullets, it had unlimited number of bullets and It would only go out of bullet when there was a too desperate need of it.  Our two heroes would kill all of them (with two comedians doing Charlie Chaplin stunts here and there) …. It would be evident and sure that they are going to win….but …suddenly …

A chamber opens …

His mother (smart lady) and his girl friend (another smart lady) are tied in ‘Sholay ka Thaakur’ posture and crying aimlessly. Inko rakkha hi isi lie jata tha…. Ki end me sab kie karae par raayta faila dein. The villain would take an evil laugh and the game would change within a minute.

But he always forgot the most idiotic character of the movie that would come in a lorry or a truck aur sab kuch tahas nahas ho jaega. And again….”Peter apne kutton se kah do ki wo apni apni bandookein
fenk dein”.

Now no one can stop our hero from winning the battle. A person in the background will be infinitely busy making sounds, “bhishum-bhishum-bhishum” till the movie ends.

Bhagwaan k lie mujhe chhod do –

When I was a kid, I always wanted to be bhagwaan – the lucky fellow. He was more powerful than Ranjeet, Prem, Amrish Puri and Pran. The hero’s chic ('another' smart lady) was destined to be enjoyed by the villain (yeah I call it ‘enjoyed’ because it hardly looked like anything else).

It looked more comic than so called porn of Reshma the Desi Girl.  The smart lady always had a Raampuri Chaaku which she never used to kill the villain but to puncture his belly only.

Ek baarish ki raat ki bhool-


"Shit I kissed you....ab main maa ban jaungi ?"
"Oh my holeee jeejus ... mujhe chhuo mat.. main maa ban gai to !!"


In bollywood, if a girl vomits (even if she is 70 years old) she is pregnant. Our hero can never dare enough to hug her tight or kiss her on lips. This was considered to sin. Man! you could have a break up (Chhee tum bade 'wo' ho).

Foreplay not allowed
French kisses not allowed (chheee...you dirty mind)
Men on top - Women on top ? (NO ....NO ALLOW IN CAPS LOCK!!!)

But there was always one crazy night when  they were allowed to make love 'decently' (pavitra paak pyaar)  but here comes 'ek raat ki bhool'. Right from the very next day she will start vomiting and her mother would scream, "Are sunte ho Sudha k baapu...ab hum kahin muh dikhane k qaabil nahi rahe"

                                       

"Oh Yeah, we caught You!!  You are under arrest" - 


The only sensible people in the whole flick used to be the Police. They knew exactly when to come, or rather, when not to come. They came only once - right after the last fight sequence - when there was certainly no need of these bunch of idiots. When even A.K.Hangal would have won the battle with the dead zombies of the villains.

"Tumhe chaaron taraf se gher lia gaya hai. Apne aadmiyon se kah do ki wo apni-apni bandookein fenk dein"

(nahi to hamari fat jaegi aur hum log bhaag jaenge??)

I always loved these people. They were happy with their small agenda, one Jeep, one loud speaker, small tamanchas, nicely grown bellies and the ever green game of our childhood - "Chor Police"

Defying the laws of science, nature and gravity - 


Our heroes were outlaws....poor Newton would have died watching our movies. They could fly, somersault against gravity anywhere, kill 2 people with one bullet, catch bullets in their palm and chew it with tobacco.
They could defy death too if their mother would start screaming over their dead body (You can't die without paying 'Doodh ka karz'). 


Remember how she used to slap the dead body of her child ? "Uth Uth ....tu nahi mar sakta..."
(abhi to aadhe ghante ki picture aur baki hai, usme kya tera baap acting karega?)


In 80s we invented flammable jeeps and trucks that could catch fire even if a kid farted somewhere in the town. The moment there was a minor accident the car used to burn like the cruel fire in the hell.

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5 Most Quotable Hindi Films

Hollywood has it's own 'Film Institute' which takes responsibility of compiling things like greatest scenes and greatest quotes. I thought it would be interesting to make up a list of 100 Greatest Quotes from Hindi movies. And then I realized that I am too lazy and I do not have a whole 'institute' at my disposal, so I am limiting myself to 5 movies which are immensely quotable with a cult following that remembers each of it's dialogues.

Also I consider it necessary that while mouthing pop-cultural gems, we look inwardly and do not go around saying 'Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn' etc, I believe we have our own 'Kitne Aadmi The'

Kitne Aadmi The?

Er...okay, that looks...awkward. Never mind, let's go to the Listing Business

5. Hera Pheri

A lot of you would contest highly the inclusion of a film as recent as Hera Pheri in a list of Most quotable films. However, Hera Pheri, though not exactly a watershed moment in film history is in itself pretty important because of the delicious inanities that writer Neeraj Vohra put into it.

'We gotta make this work...it's the only time after Mohra that the three of  us together are going to succeed'

Hera Pheri was a film that changed Priyadarshan from a director who made films with Anil Kapoor wielding a kick-ass battle axe to someone who thought that the only way to make a movie was to add a cross-country marathon in the end.

It's hard to believe that both movies are made by the same director

But Hera Pheri was a movie that no one had any expectations from, and the producers left no quarter in keeping these expectations low, the trailer for the movie hardly had any indications of what a laugh riot this movie was going to be. Admittedly it was the remake of another movie, but it was a damn good one at that, consider the dialogue when Shyam comes and meets Babu Rao for the first time

'Meri ek Pareshani hai....mera naam Shyam hai'

'Bas! Itti si baat ke liye gaanv se sheher kyun aane ka, naam badal lo problem finish'


When Tabu's character comes for the first time to their house

Raju : Utha le...


Baburao : Arre jaan pehchaan nahi hai kaise utha loon, kamse kam chaalis pachaas  kilo ki to hogi...


Raju : Dhoti...!

The best were perhaps Baburao's responses to the calls that he got to his phone

'Devi Prasad? Woh to 15 minute pehle chal base, kuchh kaam tha kya?'


'Teri machhli...? Usko to main mast tel mein fry kiya aur kha gaya'


 After Baburao the best character in the movie was Khadak Singh played by Om Puri. He brought the childhood rhyme Khadak Singh Ke Khadkne Se Khadakti Hain Khidkiyan to life with so much elan it was hard not to laugh. Sample this beautiful dialogue

'Aap teeno Judwa Ho?'


'Nahi hum Tudwa hain!'


'Haan haan theek hai, pehle Judwa the tabhi to tidke'


Comedy films have it easy, their one liners can easily be used as jokes (etc), that is why we find ourselves quoting comic films more, however the next entry on this list is not comic by any stretch of imagination, and yet it's dialogues have been repeated, parodied etc so much that they have a cult following

4. Deewar (1975)


It is important to mention the year next to the film even in the case of Deewar because there was another one, again starring Amitabh Bachchan

Actually, no one really remembers this one, so perhaps adding the year WAS redundant

Now THIS is what you call an iconic poster

It is hard to imagine that the man who directed the above kick-ass film was the same who made a wimpy cross-border drama called Veer Zaara. Yash Chopra introduced the Angry Young Man as the Angry Young Anti-Hero, a man who operates from the other side of the law to beat up bad guys, it's a concept that is not so novel in hindi films from the past decade or so, but at that time when the hero of the film was expected to be a downtrodden, down on luck, marginalized but all around good guy, Deewar was a change.

Speaking of change, remember this?

This movie defined Amitabh Bachchan's dialogue delivery, it had him playing to the gallery, it was a movie made for the masses who could fantasize themselves to be in Big B's shoes, as the worker crossing over to the dark side, it had him questioning 'Tumhare usool, tumhare adarsh.....aaj mere paas bangla hai, gaadi hai, tumhare paas kya hai?'

The Big B doesn't spare God even, walking up to the temple and addressing the almighty as if he is talking to an old friend.

Aaj Khush to Bahut Hoge Tum...

Even today, Mere Paas Maa Hai is the standard put-downer, regardless of the question.

3 Mughal-e-Azam


Adjusted for inflation, this movie is one of the highest grosser (and one of the costliest). This is a movie, which was colorized from its original B/W and was again a huge hit, it ran for several weeks, considering the multiplex audience and its Epic subject matter.

The movie, loosely based on a chapter of Akbar's life, involving his son's love for a courtesan named Anarkali (a name ruined entirely by Sajid Khan recently), took around a decade to made because the director K. Asif was a bloody hard task master. There was a particular scene in which an army was needed, and he requested the jawans from Indian Army to act as, well, soldiers.

Here he is taming an elephant all by himself for use in the film

Another thing that the movie had going for itself was the most beautiful woman ever to step in front of a camera

And the presence of Prithvi Raj Kapoor, whose performance as the great Mughal has lead at least fifty years worth of school children to think of Akbar as a big strong man, built like an ox and with a voice to shake mountains.

What? You Call yourself Hrithik Roshan? No no..that's NOT Akbar's voice. Saleem!

Much of the movie was based on the conflict between a father and his son's doomed love and in the courtship of Anarkali and Saleem. Sample these (although unrelated) lines between father and son

Saleem! Tumhari baaton se bagawat ki boo aa rahi hai!

....Mera dil bhi hindustan nahi jis par aapki huqoomat chal sake


Or when Anarkali excepts a gift of thorns from Saleem and says 'Kaaton ko murjhaane ka khauf nahi hota'


They say that mockery is a high form of flattery, by the sheer amount of imitations done of the scenes of Mughal-E-Azam, it is perhaps the most praised of all hindi films

A youtube user has done a decent job in compiling the epicness of this flick in around 10 minutes

2. Andaz Apna Apna


Andaz Apna Apna is one film which warrants viewing at least 15 times before you get each joke or each visual gag, because it's so perfectly made with strung along funny moments that there is not a second of seriousness on screen, you will be laughing so hard that you are bound to miss out the next several jokes because of it.

(c) Akshar Pathak 

Incidentally check out the other posters by Akshar Pathak at http://www.facebook.com/MinimalBollywoodPosters

Seriously, the most famous line in this film is not exactly a sentence, it is 'Dhaki Tiki Dhaki Tiki Dhaki Tiki Dhaki Tiki Dha'

Or Crime Master Gogo's catch phrase Mogambo ka bhateeja Gogo, Aaya hoon to kuchh leke jaaoonga, aankhen nikaal ke gotiyan khelunga gotiya

In fact Gogo had the best lines

Ye Teja Teja kya hai...Ye Teja Teja?

The film was released at a time when Aamir and Salman could afford to look like this

Wahan Ki Shaam mujhe bahut pasand hai

Even Govinda had a priceless throwaway line, when Juhi Chawla says 'Ek Aurat ki Majboori to samjho'

He casually looks up and says 'Woh kya hoti hai?'

Even the villains were given Priceless dialogues, Teja has a soliloquy in which he mentions that he would be known as The King of Eggs and The Emperor of Hens.

It is impossible to list down all the best lines from the films because ALL THE LINES WERE THE BEST LINES, cult fans (including me) have the film memorized. And why shouldn't it be, it is the best slapstick comedy to come out of the hindi film industry. Period.

1. Sholay

....enough said.

This movie owes more to Salim-Javed than it does to Sippy

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